Crying Tears

I finally cried. For only a few minutes, but it doesn't change the fact that I finally cried. I have needed to cry all week, but I don't cry. I have trained myself to not feel intense emotion. I can't cry. I remember only a few times in my life when I've cried. I don't mean like get choked up and cry a few tears and your done kind of cry. I mean like really cry, like sobbing cry. Sobbing in such a way that the whole world know you are mourning. There's a freedom in being able to cry that's very hard to explain.
The culture I grew up in made it seem like it was not OK to feel intense emotion. I was trained to put a happy face on everything regardless of how I felt inside. This is partly why hypocrisy bothers me so much. For the most part I am a fairly transparent person, about surface emotions. But there is a side of me I don't even know, and I'm not sure I want to know but I'm about to find out. I want to know what feels like to be so sick at heart that all you can do is cry and cry and cry. I've heard some say that crying is highly overrated, I disagree.
I'm a control freak, when I cry it's like for a brief moment I've lost complete control and there's nothing else to do but give it up. It's a breakdown, a realization that I cannot do anything alone. But I can't cry. I hate the fact that I can't cry. I want so badly to be able to cry, to climb to the top of the highest hill and scream and yell and sob and just let out all emotion to the point that I fall in a heap and someone else has to pick me up.
Oh to be able to just completely lose control, to just once be completely irrational, to completely throw reason to the wind. Why can't I feel like that? God please, allow me to mourn.